the prettiest star

Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.

Sunday, October 23

Love Is A Battlefield

I've written so much on here about my love life. I'd like to think I'm the eternal optimist, but I'm ever the bitter cynic as well. I don't think one relationship (encounter may be a more appropriate word) has reached any level of meaning and everything has ended in nastiness.

So I found myself two weeks ago at my friend's staff party, drinking their free alcohol and talking to some loser about god knows what. Then I'm introduced to some people playing a drinking game, and there He is. Cute, nice hair, all that stuff.

Conversation ensues. He studies Spanish and the rest of the conversation is in my mother tongue. We ended up getting trashed and going to some vile club in the city. We drink equally vile beer, laugh at the crap music, and when he kisses me it's like the kiss I've been waiting for all these years.

We end up at my place. The next morning I wake up in his arms.

He took me for breakfast and smoothies which we ate in the park. On the next date we went for drinks, where he laughed at me for drinking real ale. Before the next date he came into my work and brought me chocolates, then that night we went for Spanish tapas and discussed our life stories.

Last Friday I had to stay at work late and got caught out in rain. By the time I got to his, he had made me a meal.

I'm fully aware of how icky this all sounds. I know people are sick that I've been walking around with the most ridiculous smile on my face. When we made Cds for each other I drove my housemates mad by playing it all the time.

I now know how it feels when you're with someone so perfect the thought of someone else is so wrong, so alien, it doesn't bear thinking about.

I'm terrified of fucking it all up. Finding someone who I could fall insanely and irrationally in love with after all the shit I've put up with, seems so lucky and amazing I just think it's all too good to be true.

Wednesday, October 5

The Summer of Discontent

Not that it's actually summer any more, but sometimes you start a season with a distinct feeling that the last was frittered away. Three and a half months and I am no better off, financially, romantically, and didn't do half the things I wanted to do.

And so I find myself somewhat miffed.

I am quite disturbed that my last notable sexual encounter was with the man across the road after a 2 many dj's gig. In his front room. He has green hair and questionable manners. Before him is a guy I'm still supposed to be seeing who is perfect in every way apart from our most intiamate moments seem to involve some awkward fumbling and fiddling with condoms under a duvet in a darkened room.

There has to be more than this, surely? I'm nearly twenty but most of the time I feel 15.

It's this whole emotional ineptitude which is quite alarming. My housemate just split with his girlfriend after a very intense 8 month relationship, she's in Morroco and apparantly doesn't love him any more. This hapenned a week ago and the guy will not stop crying.

I don't deal with crying men, they make my skin crawl and I avoid dealing with them at all costs.

So it's got to the point where I'm hiding from my housemate because it's getting a bit silly. I asked him if he wanted to come to the supermarket to which he replied there were too many memories there.

What total bollocks. Everyone goes to Asda.

I must admit that I can't ever imagine being so into someone that the local supermarket is just too much for me. It verges on the ridiculous.

It's also quite disturbing.

When my parents broke up it didn't stop my mum from going to the local shop for a paper.

It's such a little thing and I don't know what it is exactly that's bothering me. But this discontent has been lingering all summer. It was that I was earning and yet not quite enough to clear my debt. I was dating, but not forming relationships. I was happy enough but not doing anything really fullfilling.

Now it's my environment and it's so petty.