the prettiest star

Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.

Wednesday, May 4

Yes, I'm drunk. Again.

oh today was so weird. After all the business with choosing options. Then I had to go into the police station- don't ask. And at the police station there was a crazy guy talking to me. He was so racist, and just horrid and I wanted to hit him, it was that bad. Then another guy came in and we were chatting. And I just thought, you know, just chatting to a guy. Then he shook my hand and it was all sweaty. Then he fucking asked me out. I was all 'huh?!' and avoided it. Cuz I like James. And I don't think I could like him as much as I like James.

Ah, so then we went for a curry. It was really nice, I had chicken korma and LOTS of wine. Then pub. In pub was a guy who went to school with Rachel. You know Rach, I do mention her a lot. So then, I thought this guy was really nice, as opposed to prison guy, but then he was all weird. So now I'm at home, and James hasnt rung me and he said he would. I mean, if hes going to manchester, shouldnt he want to see me now? while I'm still here?

I know, I'm drunk and if I was sober I wouldnt even think this. But I dont know. I've had vodka. I feel like if I let myself like him I will end up hurt. I am never, never going to find anyone if I keep this attitude. Prison guy was absolutley fine, quite good looking, hell, and quite rich. I would text him now if we'd swapped number. Like an idiot I walked away. Fear. Why?

So now I'm sat here, so sad, listening to Jill Scott songs. I'm scared I'm going to forget how to like someone, let alone learn to love. I always do this, one tiny thing will happen, like one night a guy won't call me and I get so defensive. This is why I stuck to guys that I had no future with. I am so scared right now. It's weird. I've been thinking about him all night. I feel like ending it all now though. I'm not sure. I'm just not sure.