the prettiest star

Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.

Tuesday, May 10

Untitled.

Today is the first day I have cried over a guy. Am I crazy? I'm not even crying over the right guy. I'm crying over a guy who treated me so badly, I have friends who say they will hit him if they ever see him again. Jamie. He's my Mr Big. The one it never quite ended with, I keep going back and back and getting more and more hurt. He's like a drug. I ran into him today.

I was at the student union. I won't go into our history, but I'll say he has seriously screwed me over and I have seriously screwed him over right back. But I ran into him. I haven't seen him for months, but just looking at him. I could feel myself slipping. Then he texted me- Was so nice to see you, must meet up, blah blah blah. I could have said no, I could have lied, hell, I didn't even have to reply.

I have yet to find someone who makes me feel so strongly. Theres been times when I've hated him, resented him. Times when I've wanted him so badly it hurt. The first time I kissed him I felt it in my entire body. There are no words for the sex. I have never felt so much pure, uninhibited passion. Isn't it weird that passion means rage and infatuation? Cuz that's exactly what it is.

So I got home, threw up and broke down in floods of tears. I'm not as strong as I thought I was. The minute James disappears of the face of this earth, my past comes back with a vengance like I've never seen to drag me down a little further. I can't even see him without getting in a state. No ones going to hold me back. I just keep texting back, keep going back.

I'm so fucking angry I could scream. Cuz I'm young I think it's okay to just leave myself to open to whoever wants to come along and screw me over. They play me like a game. James has hurt me. Really hurt me. Jamie has also hurt me and will continue to do so until I say game over.

You think you're in control. You think as long as you do what makes you happy you're living your life. Scrap that. I'm not happy. I have been single for nearly 12 months. Over half the men I've slept with have been in the past 12 months. What have I gained from this? I'm still naive. I still haven't found my fairytale. Jamie sent shivers down my spine every time he kissed me. He could be anything if we just got past one night.

And James. What makes it worse is that I liked him. Really liked him. I'll be honest with you here- I'm a cheater. I find it hard to be faithful. I've gone from man to man thinking the next one will be the one I don't want to cheat on. Then I get bored and go back to the Jamies of this world. Then I know where I stand. Yes, we'll have sex, yeah we'll get drink and talk all night, but it's just one night. Will I ever get past one night?

I honestly thought that was it with James. I found the male me, and what did he do? He did what I've been doing to guys to me for years. I hate myself for being so young. My inexperience makes me think it's okay to let myself to be treated like this.

I once got asked why I cheated on a guy, the last one I proper went out with. 'I couldn't resist him'. That's what I said. I'm stuck. If I go out with a guy like Jamie we end up screwing around cuz we can't be tied down. I go out with a nice guy and I screw around because I can. Can I break the cycle? Do I want to?

I go for guys that hurt me because I crave excitement. I go for guys that don't hurt me so I can hurt them to make myself believe I'm in control. I let myself behave like this because I can. It's so childish.

It's not even like I make the effort. James hasn't called me. Do you see me actually call him for a change?

I don't know how to end this post. I came in frustrated at my own weakness and needed to get this down. Now I feel like I need to grow up. I'm crying at a situation I created myself. For once, I put my hopes on someone and when it didn't work out I run into Jamie by chance and see no reason why I shouldn't.

James's rejection sent me flying. It shocked me. I should have known better. I have never, ever, hated myself for my age so much.