the prettiest star

Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.

Wednesday, May 18

I just don't care.

I'm starting to believe that I am unhealthily lazy. No really. I think I sometimes confuse laziness with being laidback, but lets be honest. I'm lazy. I have an exam in 5 hours. I have attended less than 60% of the seminars, I have not been to any lectures, yet I got good marks on my essays. I'm probably not going to revise. In the past 24 hours all I have done is driven up to Leeds, spent 2 hours in the supermarket buying 10 items, and then sat comatose in front of the computer planning a party via msn with Rach, which isn't until July. And I've unpacked. If by unpacked you mean emptied the contents of my boxes and bags onto the floor.

I have not the slightest inclination to read Beowulf, or the poetry of Wordsworth. I'll sit in the exam and say to my coursemates that I wish I'd revised, but it's sadly not true. I don't regret dedicating the last week to My Wife and Kids reruns.

It's this laziness, I think, that has kept me in my Bridget Jones state. I can't be arsed to chase guys, call them, talk to them, ask them interesting questions. I figure if they like me, they can chase me. They probably think the same thing. Hence why in about a month I'll probably become a virgin again it's been that bloody long.

I think I need to get more bothered about stuff. I just don't have it in me to be motivated when there's nothing in it for me. This year I only have to get 40 out of 90 and right now my average is around 50. I know I'll get 80 at least next year, cuz I'm capable of trying so, so much harder, but right now I don't see the point. I just go through my life from job to job, man to man, self induced crisis to self induced crisis relatively unscathed.

A guy I was dating asked me why I never saw my Dad and I said 'Well he's on his third marriage and doesn't care about the kids from his first marriage, and he's losing interest in me, he's just a miserable man and frankly I can't be arsed with it.' he was so shocked. 'But he's your parent!' he said. I explained that he may have helped create me, but he hasn't been a father. I've had more parenting off my Sex and The City DVDs. And it doesn't bother me, I figure thats my life and I can't change that.

I hate being asked 'but don't you care?'. In my last relationship I was so given up on caring that when he broke up with me I was all 'whatever'. I didn't try and defend the accusations that I'd been cheating. Maybe the trick is, I need someone to make me care. I think guys nowadays are afraid to take control. And if a girl does, she appears clingy or bossy. I just hope that someone will come along and won't take any of my shit. And I'm damn sure he'll be the kind that calls you.