the prettiest star

Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.

Monday, April 25

Live your life like it's golden.

Jen came round today with her digital camera (rich parents) and this thing hapenned.

The song, 'Golden', by Jill Scott came on my computer, and it's one of my fave songs. I love what it stands for, it's what I listen to when I feel down. So Jen starts singing along and telling me how much this song means to her. Now, this song is about freedom, and she is the least free person I know, and I told her this. She then said she loves that she is independant and 'Living her life like it's golden'. I almost fell over.

This is a girl who, on Thursday night, started to cry cuz she left her phone at home and couldn't text her boyf. Now, I told her it's one frigging night, what's the problem? Well, she used a quarter of my free texts (25) that night in case he was worried. Now I mean no offence, but bloody hell. That kind of relationship would kill me. Over the course of 4 hours, 50 texts were sent between them. God forbid he sneeze without her knowledge.

It's things like this that put me off relationships. I knew I had lost Jen when she went home with Ash one weekend. He lives in Derby, which is next to Nottingham. She went with him, in his car, then sat in a bar alone while he spent the day with his parents. This is not normal, surely? And the thing is, Derby is 20 mins from my house, and I told her to go to my house-she knows my Mum- but no, she wanted to be alone, in a strange city. I cannot understand this. I wanted to shake her and say 'Good God woman!!! You can be without him for ONE DAY!!!'

She thinks I'm terrible cuz I only texted James only once last week. She thinks I'm evil for going to Newcastle when I was supposed to see him. I'm not apologising. I'm spontaneous, and not clingy- that's just me. It's true that I've never been in love, but if love is being so immersed in someone that you cannot lead your own life then I don't want that. I will never drop everything for a guy. I will never be that girl.

Some people may think I'm a heartless bitch, maybe I am. I just won't settle for anything less than amazing. Amazing, I think, is when someone accepts you for who you are. I don't think what Jen and Ash have is amazing. They are so suspicious of each other. She will turn up on his nights out, she gets upset if there's a girl out with his friends, he doesn't let her wear revealing clothes. She does his washing, his cooking, his cleaning. He answers her phone. They are 19.

If that's what they want, fine, but I know that when I first met Jenna she said she would never be that girl. I don't believe love should change who you fundamentally are. I say fundamentally, because change is natural, but Jen is another person now. It feels awful saying this, but if they split up, I couldn't be there for her. She never visited me when I had glandular fever, she was always 'busy with Ash'.

It's not that I'm afraid to get hurt. I am always cautious, but of course I've been hurt. Who hasn't? I am a strong person who will walk away from someone who is bad for me, but I'm always vulnerable to being hurt. I make no secret of the fact that as a result of my Dad's infidelity I find it hard to trust men. I would never let a man do to me what he did to my Mum. Luckily, my Mum is able to support herself, but what my Dad did to us was horrible. It has made me a stronger person, and so very wary of men. Unlike a lot of girls, my Dad is not a perfect man who will do anything for his family. He does not support me despite my Mum spending half her salary on putting me through Uni. He never calls, and he allows his girlfriend to humiliate me.

I know that all men aren't like my Dad, but he left when I was 14- a very impressionable age. I saw my Mum cry because she saw him with another woman. I have blocked a lot of this out, I didn't really deal with it at the time, but anyway, I need to write this down. I remember asking my Dad who he loved more, us, or his new girlfriend, and he couldn't choose, I was devastated. I remember cooking for me and my brother at 15. I did the washing. I listened to my parents problems. I listened to my Dad tell me he couldn't deal with my Mum working all the time. He thought she didn't love him.

My life divides into three. Pre-divorce, post-divorce, and University. Sometimes I hate that my whole outlook on life, everything I do, my choices are all based on this one detail in my life. I can connect deeply with anyone who has been throught the same thing. But for a lot of my friends, their parents are just parents, that's all they'll ever be. My parents became people when they split up. I saw them start new relationships. I witnessed arguments over money, over the house, over him not seeing us. And it was me who cleared up the mess.
I hate that my brother has no direction in life. He blames my Mum for driving my Dad away. He disrespects his girlfriends. He believes women can be thrown away. It kills my mother. I hate that I will always see men as a potential for pain, horrible emotional pain.

I rarely speak about this to anyone. Every now and then I have a little breakdown, and people know what it's about, but never know what to say. Now I've been through some of this with James, and he was very understanding. I told him that everyone fell apart, and I couldn't fall apart cuz someone had to be the strong one. I told him I have issues with being open, issues with being close. If he can understand this, me and him, it could go anywhere. It was a big deal for me, telling it him.

I have trouble dealing with stuff. I cry easily. I stay single because I like to depend on me. I don't attach to people. I do my own thing. There has been a lot of shit in my past that I block out, I choose to not deal with it. I know this is bad for me, but that's my coping mechanism. I'm afraid that if I ever become like Jen with a guy, I just wouldn't be able to deal if anything went wrong. There would be no one to be strong for me, and I don't think I would cope with it like I've coped in the past. If James would let me be me, let me have my freedom, then maybe, maybe, I could allow myself to fall in love with him. But I can't be the girl who does everythong he does, who makes her life fit with his. I can't let myself become so detached that I would have nothing but him. Is this depressing?

This is a very long post for me, but I feel lighter somehow. This is worse than posting my photo. This is the stuff that only people close to me know. This is my dark side, if you like. I just feel that at 19, I've seen too much, lived too much. I honestly believe that I grew up too fast with no choice. I don't like it when people think all relationships are perfect, untouchable, and nothing is wrong. In a way, I'd like that innocence, but I'm also glad I'm more of a realist. Jen believe that she'll be with Ash forever, she's conemplating quiting her degree because it involves a year abroad. This saddens me so much.

Imagine if my Mum had no back up plan? I probably wouldn't be here. If she hadn't worked we would've been so poor. It would have been so much worse. I can't help but think that by quitting her degree, Jen's losing her back up plan. Even if they stayed together, she's be losing her chance at education, which not everyone gets. I cannot admire her for doing all this for Ash, I don't see him making any sacrifices for her.

I don't think my Mum knows how much I went through and how much it has affected me. But this is me now, and if I've learnt anything, it's that I have to be my own person, financially, and emotionally. I have to stop writing now, or I'll cry.