the prettiest star

Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.

Thursday, April 28

Stop bringing strange men into my kitchen and into my life!!!!

As I type this, there are 3 Asian guys in my kitchen that I have never seen before in my life. Upon questioning, they inform me they belong to Zia, my flatmate. They met her on Monday at a Bhangra gig. She has decided to let them stay in her room even though she has no idea who they are.

Surely this is not normal behaviour. 3 strange guys in your room?!

Random thought: why do Americans call Oriental people Asians? Here, an Asian is from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, that part of the world. Weird.

Why must my flat/life always be inundated with strange men? I was all 'the FUCK Zia!!! stop bringing men from the street into my kitchen and into my life!!!'.

I can hear weird noises coming from her room. People in France can probably hear these noises.

She's having a gangbang.

Wednesday, April 27

If I was a rich girl...

If I could be an actor, I would have been, guess who? Audrey Hepburn, no suprises there. I think Audrey was the greatest thing ever. Even though she had to live on plant bulbs growing up, she was so elegant, so classy, and totally stylish. She had the best movie role ever- Holly Golightly- the one girl in film I can identify with. Who else would I have learnt how to screw over men from? I totally have days where I'll put on a pair of heels, maybe a skirt if I feel fancy, and I'll go into town with my friends for cocktails, and I'm totaly feeling like Audrey Hepburn.

If I could be a scientist I'd invent a product that keeps your hair's shape in all weather. If it rained, your hair would dry in the style you had it in originally. If it was windy, it would settle down with no fly away wisps. I'd also invent a product that really, really does tackle cellulite. I know that it's totally superficial, but I really would try and make women's lives much easier. There would be waterproof mascara that actually is waterproof. Pain free waxing. Some kind of super-moisturiser. God, it would be great.

If I could be a farmer, I would create a massive organic farm and make everyone be as healthy as me. Then I would donate a load of money to the fair trade foundation and set up a load of farms in South America that actually support the farmers.

If I could be an innkeeper- cuz apparantly we are in the Christmas story?!- I would totally pimp out my stable... Okay, not really. Can I say landlady, not innkeeper? Okay. I would get a massive hotel/spa/bar/place of cool somewhere in the British countryside and spend the rest of my life being pampered.

If I could be a rich girl, a la Paris Hilton, I would not create stupid tv programs, carry around a rat, oh sorry, I mean dog, and I would not claim to be famous by my finely tuned skill of pulling sulky faces at movie premieres. No. I would use my family's ill-gotten gains to build schools in third world countries, conserving the rainforest, and doing what I can for various charities. And by that, I dont mean faffing about at lunches and meetings, I mean really helping out. Then when I've saved the world I would totally spend all the money my father ever made, on shoes.

Right, I'm passing this on to Katya, Jess, and Samantha. You all know how it works, pick 5 things, write about it, and pass it on to 3 peeps. List is below.

If I could be a scientist...

If I could be a farmer...

If I could be a musician...

If I could be a doctor...

If I could be a painter...

If I could be a gardener...

If I could be a missionary...

If I could be a chef...

If I could be an architect...

If I could be a linguist...

If I could be a psychologist...

If I could be a librarian...

If I could be an athlete...

If I could be a lawyer...

If I could be an innkeeper...

If I could be a professor...

If I could be a writer...

If I could be a llama-rider...(by Ogre)

If I could be a bonnie pirate...(By Teach)

If I could be a servicemember...(By Jeremy)

If I could be a business owner...(By Blue944)

If I could be an actor... (By Blue944)

If I could be a rich girl... (By V)

There was a time I thought I was some Spanish person's child that got left in England by mistake.

My diet that I started to lose all my holiday weight is going really well. I've been eating so much better, and I feel healthier. That was the thing, when I eat crap I feel crap. My skin was all icky, I was bloated, and I was dehydrated. So now, although the weight loss is gradual, I'm feeling really good. My skin is so clear and I feel really perky from all the good food I've been having.

I remember having serious body issues as a kid- who didn't? I was never fat growing up, but it took me a long, long, time to realise that I would never be a skinny person. See, it just is not in my genes to be skinny. I'm part latin, home of big butts, and I didn't accept this until I was about 16. Where I grew up, everyone was white, and my friends were all very slim. I remember starting school when I was 11 and being the only girl wearing a bra.

Looking at photos, my body was just fine, but I went to school in the 90s- it wasn't a good thing to be curvy. I would hate that my Mum was foreign. People would see her and go 'oh that's your mother ?!!' and I would curse her for giving me curly hair and all these other characteristics. I would highlight my hair so it looked lighter, and always wore it straight. I avoided tight jeans or anything that clung to my bum.

None of my Mum's family are skinny, and over there men hate skinny women. I went over there when I was 16 and realised that I just take after my mother more than my Dad. As you will have seen from the photo, my face is quite European (I think). Compare me to an English person and it's obvious that I'm not totally white, but I don't look like my Mum at all. I don't look like my Dad either though. I used to think I was some Spanish person's child that got left in England by mistake.

So after that holiday, I stopped obsessing about my weight and how I looked, and became more accepting of who I was. Now, I wear my hair curly, I have it dark, and I don't hate my body.

I think things are always weird if you belong to more than one culture. I have a lot of friends who are half something, mainly latin countries, and for all of us, it took a while to realise it's something you should be proud of. I love going to countries in the Med, as I look like everyone else and it's fun pretending I'm Spanish, or Greek, or Italian.

I once saw a photo of my grandmother, who died when I was really little. She looked exactly like me in this photo. I always wondered why my Tias would stroke my hair and say 'Ah se parece a Mama'. I then got told my grandmother was the love child of a Dutch pirate and a native Venezuelan. Half white European, and half native, just like me.

Looking at my Mum you wouldn't know she was part Dutch, as my grandfather was very dark. But her brothers and sisters and my cousins are all completely different colours, it's quite cool. I have some family that are black, and some that are almost blonde, but I'm the only one that looks like my grandmother. It would have been cool if my Dad was a pirate though.

Monday, April 25

Live your life like it's golden.

Jen came round today with her digital camera (rich parents) and this thing hapenned.

The song, 'Golden', by Jill Scott came on my computer, and it's one of my fave songs. I love what it stands for, it's what I listen to when I feel down. So Jen starts singing along and telling me how much this song means to her. Now, this song is about freedom, and she is the least free person I know, and I told her this. She then said she loves that she is independant and 'Living her life like it's golden'. I almost fell over.

This is a girl who, on Thursday night, started to cry cuz she left her phone at home and couldn't text her boyf. Now, I told her it's one frigging night, what's the problem? Well, she used a quarter of my free texts (25) that night in case he was worried. Now I mean no offence, but bloody hell. That kind of relationship would kill me. Over the course of 4 hours, 50 texts were sent between them. God forbid he sneeze without her knowledge.

It's things like this that put me off relationships. I knew I had lost Jen when she went home with Ash one weekend. He lives in Derby, which is next to Nottingham. She went with him, in his car, then sat in a bar alone while he spent the day with his parents. This is not normal, surely? And the thing is, Derby is 20 mins from my house, and I told her to go to my house-she knows my Mum- but no, she wanted to be alone, in a strange city. I cannot understand this. I wanted to shake her and say 'Good God woman!!! You can be without him for ONE DAY!!!'

She thinks I'm terrible cuz I only texted James only once last week. She thinks I'm evil for going to Newcastle when I was supposed to see him. I'm not apologising. I'm spontaneous, and not clingy- that's just me. It's true that I've never been in love, but if love is being so immersed in someone that you cannot lead your own life then I don't want that. I will never drop everything for a guy. I will never be that girl.

Some people may think I'm a heartless bitch, maybe I am. I just won't settle for anything less than amazing. Amazing, I think, is when someone accepts you for who you are. I don't think what Jen and Ash have is amazing. They are so suspicious of each other. She will turn up on his nights out, she gets upset if there's a girl out with his friends, he doesn't let her wear revealing clothes. She does his washing, his cooking, his cleaning. He answers her phone. They are 19.

If that's what they want, fine, but I know that when I first met Jenna she said she would never be that girl. I don't believe love should change who you fundamentally are. I say fundamentally, because change is natural, but Jen is another person now. It feels awful saying this, but if they split up, I couldn't be there for her. She never visited me when I had glandular fever, she was always 'busy with Ash'.

It's not that I'm afraid to get hurt. I am always cautious, but of course I've been hurt. Who hasn't? I am a strong person who will walk away from someone who is bad for me, but I'm always vulnerable to being hurt. I make no secret of the fact that as a result of my Dad's infidelity I find it hard to trust men. I would never let a man do to me what he did to my Mum. Luckily, my Mum is able to support herself, but what my Dad did to us was horrible. It has made me a stronger person, and so very wary of men. Unlike a lot of girls, my Dad is not a perfect man who will do anything for his family. He does not support me despite my Mum spending half her salary on putting me through Uni. He never calls, and he allows his girlfriend to humiliate me.

I know that all men aren't like my Dad, but he left when I was 14- a very impressionable age. I saw my Mum cry because she saw him with another woman. I have blocked a lot of this out, I didn't really deal with it at the time, but anyway, I need to write this down. I remember asking my Dad who he loved more, us, or his new girlfriend, and he couldn't choose, I was devastated. I remember cooking for me and my brother at 15. I did the washing. I listened to my parents problems. I listened to my Dad tell me he couldn't deal with my Mum working all the time. He thought she didn't love him.

My life divides into three. Pre-divorce, post-divorce, and University. Sometimes I hate that my whole outlook on life, everything I do, my choices are all based on this one detail in my life. I can connect deeply with anyone who has been throught the same thing. But for a lot of my friends, their parents are just parents, that's all they'll ever be. My parents became people when they split up. I saw them start new relationships. I witnessed arguments over money, over the house, over him not seeing us. And it was me who cleared up the mess.
I hate that my brother has no direction in life. He blames my Mum for driving my Dad away. He disrespects his girlfriends. He believes women can be thrown away. It kills my mother. I hate that I will always see men as a potential for pain, horrible emotional pain.

I rarely speak about this to anyone. Every now and then I have a little breakdown, and people know what it's about, but never know what to say. Now I've been through some of this with James, and he was very understanding. I told him that everyone fell apart, and I couldn't fall apart cuz someone had to be the strong one. I told him I have issues with being open, issues with being close. If he can understand this, me and him, it could go anywhere. It was a big deal for me, telling it him.

I have trouble dealing with stuff. I cry easily. I stay single because I like to depend on me. I don't attach to people. I do my own thing. There has been a lot of shit in my past that I block out, I choose to not deal with it. I know this is bad for me, but that's my coping mechanism. I'm afraid that if I ever become like Jen with a guy, I just wouldn't be able to deal if anything went wrong. There would be no one to be strong for me, and I don't think I would cope with it like I've coped in the past. If James would let me be me, let me have my freedom, then maybe, maybe, I could allow myself to fall in love with him. But I can't be the girl who does everythong he does, who makes her life fit with his. I can't let myself become so detached that I would have nothing but him. Is this depressing?

This is a very long post for me, but I feel lighter somehow. This is worse than posting my photo. This is the stuff that only people close to me know. This is my dark side, if you like. I just feel that at 19, I've seen too much, lived too much. I honestly believe that I grew up too fast with no choice. I don't like it when people think all relationships are perfect, untouchable, and nothing is wrong. In a way, I'd like that innocence, but I'm also glad I'm more of a realist. Jen believe that she'll be with Ash forever, she's conemplating quiting her degree because it involves a year abroad. This saddens me so much.

Imagine if my Mum had no back up plan? I probably wouldn't be here. If she hadn't worked we would've been so poor. It would have been so much worse. I can't help but think that by quitting her degree, Jen's losing her back up plan. Even if they stayed together, she's be losing her chance at education, which not everyone gets. I cannot admire her for doing all this for Ash, I don't see him making any sacrifices for her.

I don't think my Mum knows how much I went through and how much it has affected me. But this is me now, and if I've learnt anything, it's that I have to be my own person, financially, and emotionally. I have to stop writing now, or I'll cry.

Friday, April 22

I got pierced...

Wow, so I turned on the computer this morning, went my blog, and theres my photo! Gosh.

I would highly recommend posting a piccie. It's like the first time you sleep with a guy, highly anticipated, slightly scary, and yet quite fulfilling and happy faces all round.

I was going to hand my essay in yesterday, and was walking up the road to Uni when this good looking man smiles at me, and I'm 'oh, helloooo', then I realise he's the warden for my building so I stop him in the street and complain about the malaysian. I told him how she is a skank whore and I'm going to make a formal complaint with him and kick that bitches ass! Hahahaha revenge!!

So then I was late to hand work in, so I bought some shoes instead.

I went to a bar last night, and found out I was sitting next to a girl who went to my school, weird.

Then we met these guys from Texas, and their accents cracked me up. We had a drinkikng competetion, where everytime they said 'y'all', and everytime we said 'like' we had a bit to drink. Everyone got hammered, and I was saying 'I'm DRUNK y'all!!!!' to anyone who cared.

I went to another bar and found a load of people from my halls. There were a group of people that I dont like. One of the girls is cousin of a girl from my hometown who bullied me when I was 5, and I know she doesnt like me cuz of that. Yes, she is a very bad person, gives me evils all the time. So I sat with some guys I know from partying in Freshers week, and we had a wicked time.

I got drunk. On the way home I went to the chippie, which is BAD, then when we got home Byron was in the bin. We said 'Byron, you know everyones tampons are in their' and he still didnt get out.

I woke up at 12 and went shopping for flip flops, but ended up getting pierced instead. Twice.

I'm driving halfway up the bloody country tonight to see my friend in Newcastle, so everyone have a good one!

Im drunk y'all!!!!!!!

Yes I have been drinking cocktails, I am celebrating the downfall of the malaysian, the arrival of mini fridge, the lack of essay, the fact that I bought new shoes......

After some conversing with Amber Lynn, I decided to post my photo. I kinda dont care now.

(Photo has been removed)

Estoy yo! You are probably thinking:

1. Oooooh, she was cuter aged 4

2. So thats what happens when a Venezuelan and a Welsh man breed!

3. Yes, the 'I am a crazy child' smile is still there.

4. Wow she wears A LOT of make up.

5. She needs a nose job.

Whatever, this is me, do let me know what you think, is it what you expected?

Thursday, April 21


I am shockingly lazy. In the past 12 hours I have done the following:

Spent 3 hours on MSN discussing the general election with Soph.
Spent 2 hours playing with my flatmates digital cam, trying to get a pic I may or may not post.
Purchased a mini fridge on ebay.
Read every blog I have bookmarked about 50 times. Even the ones I don't like.
Organised the entire contents of my room. Even my food and my laundry.

I have not started the essay I have to hand in at 5pm, which is 5 hours away, and I have a seminar at 1.

I have done this every time I have an essay due. And the funny thing is that I'm getting good grades for exams I don't revise for and essays I write in 2 hours. I just feel so meh. So lacking in motivation.

I have however, lost weight. I've been eating really well now that I am not in the land of bad food. I actually feel healthier. I need to lose a bit more, but I'm glad I've lost the chubby look I was acquiring. I might give my tutor some bollocks about my printer is broken and I'll have to email it to him. I don't even own a printer and I think he knows. Oh dear.

See I'm writing this now and I have a seminar in an hour, I'm still in my pjs. I must get my act together. James is coming up tomorrow and I don't want him to think I'm a total slob. I'm really nervous, cuz he hasn't seen my room, and I dunno. It's hard to explain, but he's going to meet my friends, and it's all a bit AHH.

I think he will be a little scared cuz I'm a total clean freak. A lot of people that see my room are like 'Ooooh you're so organised and clean'. But then James has this obsession with ironing everything. Hmmm.

I always get weird at this stage. I don't like serious. I haven't texted him all week. If I bollocks this up cuz I'm scared or whatever I may ban myself from men. Why can't I just be nice and act bothered that he'll be around this weekend?

I just feel, like I said, so meh about things at the mo. I haven't been out since I got here, haven't made any effort to do work or go to lectures. There's a great guy who likes me but I feel all meh about that too.

And this photo business has me thinking, shall I post it or not?

Okay I am so lacking inspiration. Someone, please, sort me out. Tell me what to do. I think I may be delerious from not sleeping.

Wednesday, April 20

This is me!

So I decided to cave in, and post my photo. It took much debating. It's not something you just do, in my opinion.

I took ages deciding on which one to post, I do tend to look drunk, silly, or slightly odd in photos. I'm really not photogenic.

So I chose one from when I think I was happiest in life. So this is me...

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In 1990.

Yes I know that's 15 years ago, but don't I look cute holding choking my odd-looking doll? This is before I had my teeth fixed and discovered hair straighteners.

Anyone who's seen photos of me recently will know I never really lost that 'I am a crazy child' smile.

Tuesday, April 19

Casa de crap!

Wise words spoken from the mouth of my mother when she came over today. She saw my kitchen and exclaimed 'You live in Casa de Crap! The Malaysians are such a dirty people! I can't believe you live in Casa Filth because of her'.

My mother was right to insult that dirty skank whore, and I'll tell you why. Today my Mum brought lots of goodies for me, including strawberry smoothies. I left said smoothies in the back of my shelf in the fridge, behind a massive bag of spinach and some tomatoes. I went to take my Mum to her car, and when I returned, strawberry smoothie had fucked off. I was perplexed. So I searched everyone elses shelf. I found it in Malaysian flatmates shelf, right at the back. I can therefore conclude that I hate her. I haven't seen her yet. I'm waiting.

I want her to die knowing who took her.

And I'm buying a mini fridge.

So after much debating I've decided not to post my photo- yet, I guess. However, I will post something just as interesting- my flat.

This piccie is the wall next to my bed, I'm so in the photos, hopefully no one knows a way to see them. Oh, and I'm a massive Dali fan. The dreamcatcher is what my parents brought me back from Arizona some years ago.

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This is my photowall, you can probably figure out what I look like from the photos, ah well. The copacabana stuff is a musical I did last term.

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This is some of my CDs and DVDs.

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These are my books, this is upside down, don't ask. Course books on the left, fun books on the right.

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Yes another Dali poster. This is my chair. The stripy fabric is stuff I bought from a Peruvian girl in London, and the red throw and the cushion I got from Corn Exchange Market in Leeds. I love this chair.

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And this is my desk. There is a lot of crap in this desk. The hospital light kinda ruins this photo, but this is where I sit when I'm on the computer.

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Oh I can so feel that I will post my photo soon.

Do I blog like I'm fit or ming-tastic?

Everyone seems to be meeting up in Blogland, and showing photos, and whatnot, and I'm getting curiouser and curiouser about you lot. Everyone seems to live in America, so there isn't much chance of me ever being in a position to meet someone (apart from Dan who lives about 5 minutes from me) but yeah, I'm intrigued.

There's a side of me that suspects everyone is a big geek, but then I'm not a big geek so... But really, the more I read about people, the more I'd like to know what their voices sound like, and what they look like. I also happen to love accents, and Americans often sound so borderline brash/polite, I love an American accent.

Another thing is that blogging isn't spontaneous, and you get a better sense of someone when you have spontaneous responses (can you tell I'm studying English Language for my degree?!).

So for purely superficial reasons, I have questions:

How do you imagine people (that means me...) to look and sound in blogland?

Who would you most like to meet?

Personally, I want to meet everyone. I'd especially like to meet the people linked, but I like meeting new people (you aren't technically new, but...).

Some people I have a clear idea in my head of what they look like. I have a pretty good image of That Girl, Luke, Samantha, Rafe, Myramaines, and Katya. I cannot place Jess, Blue2go, KelBel, or Boston Rambles. Everyone else I've either seen, or they're somewhere in between.

Sunday, April 17

This gets bitchy....

I need to rant. I need to rant because I am so pissed off today, I'm not sure I can cope.

First thing: My Dad's girlfriend.
I hate this woman. She stole my Dad from my Mum and my eyes this is all she will ever be. She is the opposite of me in every way. This is a woman who knows the function of spark plug, never wears make up except to put on green eyeshadow and orange lipstick, and is the only person since 1984 to still perm her hair. She is really, really skinny and I honestly believe she is a lesbian and doesn't know it.

So earlier I went to see my Dad, who was, well, Dad-like with me, then I get talking to his girlfriend, who PINCHES MY WAIST and asks why I'M SO FAT THESE DAYS. She then brings out her TAPE MEASURE and compares my FATNESS to her SKINNYNESS and disputes my claims that my bra size is a 32 D. 'You're never a 32!' she exclaims and even makes me take off my bra to prove this fact to her.

There were several other incidents that evening but this one stands out because it is so, so, so, cruel! What ever hapenned to girls sticking together? What kind of person is so mean (and mean is the word) that they feel like taking a young girl's vital statistics to make themselves feel better?

Personally, I'm a girl's girl. I'm the girl who'll lend you her lip gloss in the toilet. The one who'll talk to the ming-tastic wingman of the guy you fancy. I have never let a man come between me and my friends.

I believe there is enough bitchiness in this world. If I see a girl lookin really great, I don't give her evils, I go up, compliment her and will probably ask her where she bought her top from.

This incident with my Dad's girlfriend has confirmed two things for me:

1. There are women who put other down in order to feel better about themselves.

2. Some of them will even go as far as taking a man from his wife and children in order to do this.

Anyway, I'm back at University and have made a great start to term. I went to the pub last night, and was so hungover this morning I missed all my lectures and an exam. Anyone got any excuses I can use?

The only reason I woke up this morning is cuz some random guy came in to check my fire alarm. Don't I have to get so many days notice for someone to do this?! Anyway, he came in my room and I started screaming, and my fire alarm went unchecked.

I think to compensate for my shocking lack of motivation I should do all my essays today and not even think about going to the pub.

Ps. Dan and MartiniLove, I can never ever comment on your blogs, I haven't stopped reading, it's just that your comments hate me.

Pps. Dan DO NOT risk the NHS!!!! They will bollocks up the op and you know it! I suggest going private. And as for the money, well can't you just sell a kidney or something?

Saturday, April 16

One day into my diet and I ate 12 jaffa cakes!

In theory, losing weight is not rocket science. Two simple rules:

1. Eat less.

2. Exercise more.

So why can't I stick to this?

The diet was going fantasically well until my Mum made flambe bananas and I demolished a pack of jaffa cakes. These are not diet foods!

Did you know one jaffa cake has around 50 calories? That means I consumed 600 calories alone in jaffa cakes today. What is the point?

I am so very weak. What is wrong with me?

I blame my Mum for everything. I blame her stupid good cooking. Most of all I blame her stupid body that I inherited. Could I have inherited my Dad's slim, you might even say athletic, physique? No.

No. I have an arse you can park a bike in, breasts that can masquerade as a nifty shelf for snacks at parties and a stomach which bloats at the very thought of pasta or bread.

I'm not happy!

And instead of supporting me, my family insist on cooking only the most calorific foods. Shepards pie anyone? How about steak and chips? Flambe bloody bananas?

I may as well skip the middle man and just stick the food onto my body .

Friday, April 15

Entering fat bitch territory!

Okay there seems to be an abundance of diet posts right now and I am shamelessly jumping on the bandwagon. The diet posting has brought to my attention one simple fact: I am entering Fat Bitch territory.

Last summer I was a size 8, I believe this to be a US size 4. I was working as a lifeguard and was all tanned and used to swan about it bloody shorts looking all slim. Over my short university career I have pretty much maintained that weight, but have become incredibly unfit. Then I got ill and became shockingly unfit. Then I've been at home and despite losing weight for holiday and sporadically going to the gym, I've gone up to a size 10. Now today I tried to put on my Gap jeans, which are US size 6, UK size 10 and there is some uncomfortable pulling and tightness in the stomach and hip area.

I'm not saying I'm a fat bitch right now, but I am getting that way if I carry on gaining weight like this.

Another incident hapenned this morning. I caught sight of my arse in the bathroom mirror and things are not looking pretty. Despite the tan, my ass looks HUGE.

Now I have spent this week in the company of James, who is the fittest (in the health sense) person I know and has a fit body. Now most times I've slept with him we've been drunk so the only thing on my mind has been getting my end away, not the size of my ass. Now I won't be seeing him for 2 weeks as I'm going back to Leeds and he has to work and I would really like to be slimmer when I next see him.

So today I have started a diet. I'm taking the protein based breakfast, carbs based lunch and veggie based dinner approach, which has worked for all my friends and my Mum. So far today I have eaten scrambled eggs and smoked salmon for breakfast, a small bowl of rice for lunch, and I will have veggie soup for dinner. This is my first diet. I'm not going to drink, which won't be hard as I have exams and stuff at the mo.

Right now I weigh more than I have ever done in my entire life. I've been to the gym lots in the past week, doing lots of cardio to shift the ass. I don't want to have to be drunk every time I sleep with James, and now I have a man of sorts in my life, I really should sort myself out.

I hope to be a comfortable size 10 when I next see him, but with a healthy body.

I feel like writing this down gives me extra incentive and will hopefully push me to lose these extra pounds. Every time I think of my arse in the mirror I want to cringe....

Thursday, April 14


I mentioned in my 100 things that I have never been in love before, not properly. I often look back at relationships I was in, and realise I was deeply unhappy. So since my last serious relationship ended (July) I'm really wary about who I let into my life. I would really like to be able to see an ex and not pull weird faces and feel ever so slightly nauseous. So now I've met someone who is getting into boyfriend territory.

I've been holed up at James's pretty much since I got back off holiday. See, my best friend is going out with his older brother so the four of us have been sat around their house, and it's been so nice. I almost don't want to go back to uni. Which brings me to the other thing.

James is starting a job in Wakefield, which is about 20 mins from where I live in Leeds. Yesterday he got his start date fo his new job. It's 3rd May, which is less than 3 weeks and I will still be in uni. So he doesn't know anyone in that area apart from me...

This is a really bitty post, but I just feel a bit weird. Like, I have found nothing wrong with him. I am such a cynic, I always like to find something wrong with a guy, but James is just, well not perfect, but he's great. He doesn't turn into a total arse around his friends, he compliments me, he's great in bed, he's really easy to talk to. And he's going to be living so close to me in 3 weeks!

All the time I have spent with him has been really nice. He makes me smile, and I'm really beginning to like him. He thinks I look great first thing in the morning, he loves my cooking.

I just don't know what to do about it all. I really don't want to give up my single life, but so far he hasn't tried to tie me down. So do I let him enter boyfriend territory or not?

I just re-read this post and it makes no sense. But really, I just cannot deal with being fucked about, and I don't think he would do that. However, I burn easily. I know that I have to have him in my life and I'm tempted to just let things happen, but I don't like being in limbo. I admit it- I like labels.

I'm too scared to ask him what he wants, I'm scared he'll just want something casual, which is fine, but I don't want to open up to him like that. So anyway, I need guidance! What course of action do I take?

Monday, April 11

So this is what hapenned in prison...

Okay, so my last proper post caused some controversy, to say the least, but there were some very interesting comments, and I love to be challanged. It got people talking, and that's always better than not talking.

So, I went to Gran Canaria and it wasn't worth the weight loss as I drunk my body weight several times over in cocktails, beer and sangria and frankly I was too pissed to even notice my too-small bikini.

Not much hapenned really. For five days I got pissed, woke up, sunbathed, drank, slept, ate, drank, got pissed..... you know.

There were men in tiny trunks called Raul who kept pulling at my bikini and saying 'quitate lo!'.

There was a bad ass waiter called Sergio who wouldn't let me into his restaurant one night because he thought I was a tramp.

There was a night that I felt it necessary to sing a medlay of Jennifer Lopez songs at a karioke bar. During the rap break in 'Jenny From The Block' I got up on a table and screamed 'Latin pride people! Latin pride! Donde estan los latinos?'. I was joined by a Brazilian woman who may or may not have been born a man and he/she aided me in the singing of 'La Bamba'.

These things really hapenned, I will get the photos up when I get them developed. I did, however, destroy any evidence of the J.Lo/La Bamba episode. Meanwhile you can DIE from jealousy at the photo of my brown legs below (Rach took it on her phone and emailed it to me!) I would show the whole photo, but I don't want barely-clad photos of myself on the internet. It's bad enough that there are entire regions of Gran Canaria I can never return to.

What else? James! That's what else. I did not get with anyone on hols! This is a big achievement for me. For someone renowned for their wit and charm (no, really) and not their sense of fidelity and commitment I was very well behaved considering he's not even my boyfriend or anything. Go me....


I went on holiday!

Hi! I'm super sorry I just pissed off without notice, I've been on holiday and it was terribly irresponsible of me to not tell you. I went to Gran Canaria and spent a few days swimming, sunbathing, and other nice things that you can't do in England. As if I would leave my blog!

Right, well I'm a little tired so I'm going for a little sleep then I'll come back and write something, I just wanted you to know I'm not dead, or in prison or anything.

Tuesday, April 5

I'm sorry Americans...

I was in London this weekend and got back yesterday. I LOVE London so much, I love the tube, the people, the shops, everything. What I love most is that as you walk about, everyone is foreign, tourists, students, illegal immigrants, everywhere.

It was an amazing trip apart from one Idiot American who just ruined everything. I was at Trafalger Square, admiring my British heritage when I hear this voice,

'Oh mah Gaaad y'all! Dontcha just lurve Europe? I lurve this statue thang, what was it, far some war or somethin y'all?'

It was an Idiot American and his Idiot friends. They were all blonde and American looking, wearing backpacks and using 'Y'all' like there was no tomorrow. He looked at me and my friends and said,

'Hey y'all! Can y'all take a photo?'

He and his friends did the most hideous pose opposite my Amazing British Heritage and talked to us and I swear down it was the funniest thing I've heard in my life.

He was all 'Damn!!! Y'all Europeans arrr so Gaddam quiet!'

I gave him a lecture. It went something like this.

'Do you realise that Europe is not, in fact, one big country, but many smaller countries? Do you realise that the whole world is not like America? European countries popluated your stupid America and without us you would probably be a POOR POLISH FARMER!!. Do you realise that? We have had entire cultures for centuries, while you just come along and SHIT on it, when all the culture you have is Britney Spears and MacDonalds. Please do not refer to Europe as an Entire Country, because, as you will find, we are many countries with infinately different languages, cultures, and histories. Britain is not a state of Europe. IT IS IT'S OWN COUNTRY AND HAS BEEN SO FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS!!!!!

'Yes we are not as big as America, nor as powerful, but there was a time when your country was so insignificant that NO-ONE even knew about it, okay? So don't come here with your 'y'alls' and your All- American Enthusiasm thinking you're in Europe. Would you like it if I referred to Latin America, Central America, the Carribean, America and Canada as 'That Country Over The Pond'? NO, you would NOT!!! So please, for the LOVE OF GOD, understand this. You are in BRITAIN, a country in north- west EUROPE. Is that clear?!?!???'

I think I went too far.

Saturday, April 2

How I stopped my involuntary celibacy.

It feels like I haven't posted in a while. There was all that gym palava (I haven't been back yet) and I have been tres occupied with hot kisser James. I did the dirty with him (Friday night) and all is quite lovely. Anyhow, the whole story provides me with an excellent chance to explain the British Way Of Dating.

I woke up with a start on Friday morning. I was completely naked, in James's room and I had no recollection of how I got there, how I got into bed and who took my clothes off. The first thing I said wasn't 'Oh James, you are so fit and wonderful', nor was it 'Wow.... Last night was amazing'. No. I said 'Where the fuck are my clothes? When did I go to bed? Did you fuck me? I'm naked, holy shit! Why don't I remember?'

Ah, such is the young British girl's way of getting her man. None of this 'dating' crap. No, across the pond you simply wake up next to someone a few times and eventually you might become their girlfriend, if you're into that sort of thing.

So how did I end up naked in his bed?

It was his brother's birthday on Friday and we all went out to this dead good restaurant in Notts where you pay £15 and get a bottle of wine, a starter and main course. I challanged James to a drinking contest (I won) and we went on. We drifted off from everyone else and ended up in Sausage, a posh cocktail bar, and he bought me a mojito (see why I like him?). From there we went to Templars, a complete dive, but always full of people that went to my school and does cheap jugs. So in there I was completely inappropriate and went round hugging everyone as I was wasted and hadn't seen them in time.

I should point out that at the time we were carrying a pinata. It was a bull. Burt the Birthday Bull to be precise, and it was quite large, like a small child. I have photos on my phone, and I know there's a way of getting them on here, but I'm not sure.

So aftr this we went home. Apparantly I was talking to some girl called Kate on the bus. Now I don't know anyone called Kate, so that must have been an interesting conversation. Apparantly after the bus we walked home. This too, is a distant memory.

I do remember getting to his house, everyone else was outside, I remember vodka. I've been told we all got stoned and that I rolled, but my fingers stopped working and they thought I'd passed out. Again, distant memory. Then, I went upstairs, and I remember my legs feeling sooo heavy. Then I can't remember anything.

According to James, we took each others clothes off and then went to sleep, missing the pinata being destroyed and other drunken antics. I didn't sleep with him.

So, in the morning we chatted for about an hour, then I realised that I hadn't taken my make-up off or brushed my teeth and went off to sort myself out (I almost cried at how horrendous I looked). Then I requested tea and toast and he brought it. He is such a keeper isn't he? Over he course of 4 hours he brought 3 more cups of tea. What a star!

So I ended up having morning sex with him. And it was good.

Okay, my wrist is starting to hurt so I'll just tell you he bought me a sausage sandwich later on in the day (I may be falling in love) and he likes my bum, and my boobs, and my legs. And he wants me to spend next week having 'fun' with him. All this and he isn't trying to be my boyfriend!