the prettiest star

Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.

Sunday, March 20

I'm moving to India tomorrow. To get married. To a woman. So no, I don't want to dance.

Yesterday Wales won the rugby (I'm half Welsh remember) so my Dad insisted I come to his local to celebrate with the rest of my family. I brought Rachel, as my Dad's family scare me. They're all blond and pregnant and think I'm odd for being foreign and educated. I don't talk about my Dad much. People always say 'I know your Mum's mad and that, but what's your Dad like?' and I always reply the same thing 'My Dad named me after a member of the Rolling Stones and is onto his third wife'. Really, that's all they need to know.

So we got there and my scary Welsh Grandad had come too. He scares me cuz he calls everyone 'boyo', which is a Welsh term of endearment for males, but he feels the need to use it for everyone. So I go in and he's like 'V! Boyo! Are you still doing that education thing? Look, our Tamara's got her third now and she's only 17, you not sprogged up yet?' We didn't stay long.

So me and Rach went into the city, around 9pm as she felt like a bmw hunt and I'm her pulling partner, so off we went. We started off in Dogma which is always full of rich city men, so I was happy to get drinks bought for me, but Rach was sulking so we ended up in Faces which is always full of bmws.

It was in Faces last night that I totally lost all faith in men. I wasn't particularly drunk last night, but I was having a really good time catching up with Rach, and wasn't really in the mood for pulling. Faces plays wicked music on a Saturday though, so we just wanted to dance. Then this guy taps me on my arm and starts to talk to me. I am confused. Obvioulsy no-one has ever explained the rules of pulling to him:

1. If you are a fat, ugly, pissed up balding troll, do not attempt to talk to girls half your age who are obviously not on the pull for a fat, ugly, pissed up balding troll.
2. Don't make a move unless someone is clearly interested in you. ie, if they have made no attempt at eye contact and keep telling you to piss off, they probably aren't interested.
3. If a girl throws a drink in your face, she doesn't want your phone number.
4. Do not return later in the night asking said girl if you can be her friend, she has plenty of friends already, and has no room in her life for a crack-flashing troll in Burberry.
5. Don't go on to complain that all 'half blacks are the same'. Firstly, this girl is not 'half black', secondly, the pc term these days is 'bi-racial'-, and thirdly, Rach's bmw heard that and he's going to fuck you up outside.

Similarly, Rach pulls a fittie bmw and I'm left talking to his moronic wing man. He too, needs the rules of pulling explained to him:

1. If a girl pretends to be Spanish to avoid speaking to you, it's not a good sign.
2. If she keeps saying 'adios' and motioning towards the bar, also not a good sign.
3. If she tells you she's moving to India tomorrow, to get married, to a woman, do not attempt to blockade her into a corner of the dancefloor- It's just NOT MEANT TO BE.
4. Don't spend the rest of your night shaking your ass to attract her attention.
5. If you are foolish enough to ask for her number, when she replies 'It's in the phone book', and you realise she hasn't even told you her name, just go home. Do not, repeat DO NOT chase her car down the road yelling 'Quiero saber tu nombre!!!!'

I've said it before, but really, seriously, where have all the good men gone?

I have been to Nottingham, Leeds, Manchester, Newcastle, London, Liverpool, Bristol and have found none. Is there some secret place where they all go? Have I done something really bad?